And why I do what I do
When I first started practicing NTSB in earnest, some twenty years ago, I assumed that what interested me in kink was, well, the kink. The thrill, the rush I got from Dominating another person made the “why” seem pretty self explanatory.
I used to play a lot at parties, in the beginning. Before a scene, my play partner and I would talk. These talks were often uniquely candid: we were heading into a heightened situation, and people wanted to let go of their masks, show me what was really going on inside. They wanted to be understood… and I wanted to understand. That’s where the real connection was formed. Afterwards, in the actual physical exchange, I could feel the trust born from our conversation in how their bodies responded to me. That’s when I realized — kink wasn’t what I was after after all. It was people’s trust I desired, their permission to connect on a deeper, truer level. Kink was just a way in.
I lived fast and hard, in the years that followed. I risked a lot and I lost a lot: jobs, partners, my family, my home. While painful, being stripped of all that defined me left me with rock-solid insights: that meaning in life is forged through unflinchingly honest relationships, with others as well as with oneself; and that the meaning of my own life, my purpose, was to help others manifest their own truths.